I am sort of a control freak, and I get anxious easily. Especially when I’m not in control. Not something I’m proud of but it is sadly part of who I am, and I have learnt to deal with it in my own way.

There are about to be some changes in my life in that I might embark on a little adventure of my own, without H. It’s a frightening thought realising how much I have learnt to rely on him. I used to be my own person. Someone with a strong personality who manages herself very well. Somehow all that has gone down the drain over the years of marriage. In a way it’s a good thing – one of the most important aspects of marriage is having the choice and confidence to lean on your partner. However this reliance may well backfire. Like now, it is not serving me so well.

There are so many things to decide on, and see to before this trip becomes a reality. Of all the unknowns, the one major factor I have no control over is the hostility being hurled from north of the peninsula. No one knows for sure what is about to happen in the next few months. And I do not relish in the thought of getting caught in the crossfire (although a small part of me really wants to experience it). The family including H is worried about this too, so we are just observing the situation before proceeding (since there is still time before registration ends).

In addition, other factors complicate the situation. Accommodation and when to fly off, to name a couple of. Much to my annoyance, the concerts that I strongly feel I must attend happen to fall just over the weekend in Singapore before the programme begins in Seoul. H is adamant about me flying in earlier. Thence the dilemma. Accommodation is the other huge headache.

There are just too many obstacles in the way; obstacles that I can’t seem to clear. Is it a sign telling me that I should not be wilful?

5 thoughts on “Anxiety

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